Snail Fiddling Is Not An Occupation I'd Be Proud Of

The most amusing thing on the internet today comes from a wife in England who has a husband who (consistently, persistently) says the most amusing things in his sleep. She has created a blog with daily postings of the previous night's mutterings...

Jan 19 2010
My badger's gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!"

"No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much."

"Just look at yourself. Yeah, now look at me. You don't stand a chance. It must suck to be you, I'm sure."

Jan 17 2010
"Cake. Mmmmm. I want one more piece. Just One. More. Fucking. Piece."

"Look at me. Yes, you heard me, look at me. Don't stop."

"I want to be a cowboy. I don't want to be a panda. Pandas are boring, stupid and boring. Bad panda!"

"Jump. You can jump with goats. Boy does he jump high. They jump really high."

Jan 15 2010
"Can you hold... can you hold my starfish? It doesn't like it when I'm getting excited. Oh look, it likes you! Its legs are all cree-py cree-py."

"Hey, don't... don't say anything. Why don't you put it in an email, then I can ignore it at my pleasure."

"I feel all rolley polley rolley polley. rolley pony PONY.... Splat!"

Jan 12 2010
"I'm baking pillows. Burn them slowly, keeps them fluffy! Mmmmmm, pillows."

"Potato bags. I can't find my potato bags. I need them! [desperately] Who's got my potato bags? Oh, fuck it! I'll have to use something else."

"Dogs' scrotums. They stretch."

"Pork chops are most satisfying. Mmmmmmm. Dangle them from the ceiling."


Jan 11 2010
"Your mum's at the door again. Bury me. Bury me deep."

"Yeah, keep looking. It doesn't get any better than this."

"Shhhhhhhhh. shhhhhhhhh. I'm telling you: your voice, my ears. A bad combination."

"You're pretty. pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty.... [long pause] Now fuck off and be pretty somewhere else. I'm bored."

[hand tangled in my hair, massaging my scalp] "I'm stuck. I'm stuck. Your pubes! You got to shave."

"Butter... nut... squash. I like those words."