Layoff Letter

May 2, 2011

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change. I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

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May 14, 2011

Dear Employees:

When I went through the parking lot the other day, laying off all of the Democrats, I failed to realize that every one of the PhD's working in our Research and Development department is a Democrat and that I accidentally laid off all of our scientific staff, about 80% of the IT department, and a good portion of our marketing department.

Don't worry though, I laid off 20 more employees (sorry... couldn't find any more "Obama" stickers in the parking lot, so I laid off people driving Japanese cars... always the sign of a liberal) and hired a fantastic Chinese research laboratory to carry on where our Obama-loving Commie R&D Liberals left off, hired an Indian firm to handle the networking that those geeky MIT Obamabot nerds were handling, and I found a nice Russian company to handle the marketing that those San Francisco Pelosi pansies were doing... all for half the price.

By the way... did you see that the price of our company stock has gone up 30% due to my awesome management skills? I made a cool $7 million! How much did you make? Good thing the stock market doesn't listen to Obama's anti-American rhetoric, eh?

Anyway, see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

THE BOSS

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June 2, 2011

Dear Employees:

Sorry, but I've had to lay off another 50 employees. I'm spending so much time flying back and forth between China, India, Russia, and our headquarters here in Denver, that I needed to buy a private jet. I went through the parking lot and found all the cars that were newer than 3 years old, since those people obviously got involved in that un-American Cash-For-Clunkers bullshit that the Democrats suckered America with.

Now I know you remaining employees can double your output to make up for the shortfall that getting rid of those Prius-driving blue-state liberals will cause. Obviously... sorry... I can't be raising salaries with times as difficult as they are right now, but I'm sure you understand: Times are tough for everyone with the liberals in charge of things, and the cost of jet fuel is a pain.

See the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

THE BOSS

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June 16, 2011

Dear Employees:

I'm sorry that you couldn't keep up with the increased demand. I understand though, it was a bit too much to ask. Fortunately, I was able to lay off another 20 employees (they were wearing sunglasses when they pulled into the parking lot in the morning... a sure sign of hippie marijuana use), and I hired an entire Vietnamese company to take 40% of your workload off your hands to give you a break. Now you only need to work 20 hours a week (without a single Democrat in sight)... take it easy and relax! Isn't that great?

Man, you all should come for a ride with me in my new jet. It's just awesome.

Oh... on a personal note, due to the long flying times between Mumbai and London (where the kids are in school), I bought a fantastic villa in the south of France as a comfy little layover spot. If any of you make it over there on your vacation, stop by and have a drink!

See the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

THE BOSS

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July 4, 2011

Dear Employees:

As you can see, it is Independence Day. I'm writing this memo to let you know that you are now Independent Workers! Isn't that exciting? What I've done is moved our world headquarters to Beijing, and made you all independent contractors. Being an independent contractor is great. That's what I did when I was at Cornell getting my MBA, and see how things turned out for me? (And just think, you'll never have to sit down at work next to a nasty Democrat again! Double bonus!)

Anyway, now you get to stay at home with your kids, and we will ship all of the parts to your house, and you can assemble them there. I went through the parking lot and found 4 Humvees. Since nobody with a Humvee could possibly have voted for that Nigerian usurper, I've kept you 4 people on to help close up the plant in Denver. (Oh... Have that portrait of Andrew Carnegie that is hanging in my office over the mantel sent to my lodge in Vail.)

Those of you who can fly to my villa on the Côte d'Azur... see you at the annual company picnic! (No sorry, the jet is filled already... got the family, the household staff, and Tiger Woods flying with me.)

THE BOSS