What's On, You Ask?

The Philippines has a great culture. I'd even say its vibrant, if too modern. The performing arts are a big part of every Filipino's life. Dancing or singing: If you are Filipino, you do one of these on a daily basis... maybe both. (Watch Epril dance. She's like that every day. I'm not so mean as to put up a video of her singing, although she does that too.)

But anyway, when it comes to stagecraft — television specifically — oh it's brutal here. Filipinos of course love their television shows, but that does beg the cause/effect question of whether the programming is attuned to Filipino tastes, or whether Filipinos have just adjusted their tastes to fit what dreck they're offered. Well, I'll just point out that my entire collection of American television show DVD's have been smuggled out to the in-laws to be enjoyed over and over, and Epril lists Heroes as her favorite television program.

I figured I'd take a break and put up a list of your average bit of Filipino television fare. I'll call it a representative sample... or more accurately the stuff that I'm forced to watch:

Dyosa

Facial and skull prosthetics that look like they are made out of paper maché, special effects that look 30 years old, an actual ripoff of Saturday Night Live's goat boy, and a guy with his head superimposed on a snake so that he looks like a giant sperm. Bad acting? You betcha. Bad story line? Mystery to me, as yo no speako. Fortunately, bad prime-time soaps in The Philippines are only scheduled to last a little while, and then go away. Unfortunately they are replaced by others equally as bad or worse.

WoWoWee

Perhaps The Philippine's favorite show: One silly party game after another, 2 hours per day, every day, without change or variation. The show maintains a constant backdrop of some of The Philippines cutest girls dancing in skimpy outfits (at least), but in the forefront are audience members telling sad or funny stories, then crying, then singing (at worst), and then winning cash prizes and sponsored items. After a week of this show, you'll never want to hear "hip-hip hooray" again. Watching toothless old housemothers win 5,000 pisos and dance with glee is a redeeming factor though... And Miss Liveraide. Oh momma.

Deal Or No Deal

My favorite show by far. If you don't know the rules yet, read here. This is my favorite show because it is a consistently enjoyable demonstration of the Filipino peoples' complete lack of knowing "when to say when". I have yet to see a contestant walk away with more money than they were offered at some point during the game. Hell: I have yet to see a contestant walk away with an amount even remotely close to the highest amount they were offered at some point during the game. They have no capacity to "take the deal" when the possibility exists that they might win more... even if it (likely/certainly) means losing it all. Watching some guy go over a cliff and lose 200 grand while his family sits nearby egging him on is worth the 45 minutes of commercials per hour. This show was invented with schadenfreude in mind.

Pinoy Fear Factor

If you disliked The Eating Stupid Shit And Barfing Show in America, you'll dislike it here too.

Singing Bee

Otherwise known as "Name That Tune." I'm actually embarrassed to say that most of the contestants can name the American pop songs before I can. Unfortunately the contestants also get to sing on this show. Cover your ears. In The Philippines, people do graduate from singing karaoke at the village's bamboo-covered coin-op machine to belting it out on national television on a regular basis... hundreds of them per day in fact. Apparently only I realize that this is a sin.

I Love Betty La Fea

Ugly Betty, Filipino style. I've never seen the American version. Does your version also involve a mouth-breathing dingleberry whom you can plainly see is a pretty girl underneath some superficial couture and orthodontic mistakes, who never (even in dream sequences or something) gets to be pretty? What's the point? Hire an ugly person for the job for chrissakes. And how long is somebody supposed to wear braces anyway? Here in The Philippines, Betty has a twin brother, or a boyfriend on the show. He's a Filipino Urkel... but not funny.

Talk shows

Part one of the self-perpetuating, self-sustaining, self-congratulating, insular, Star Manufacturing Machine that is Filipino television. Singing is of course a major part. Interviews about love life and careers are a must as well. One question though: The guest always has to hold a microphone up to their gobs while the host gets to use the in-house sound boom. Whaddup? The talk shows are backed by a flotilla of endless gossip shows (about celebrities), and entertainment news shows (about celebrities).

Birthday specials

Part two of the self-perpetuating blah blah blah: Find some beloved old television star and give them a 2-hour televised birthday party with a live audience. Then send out all of this year's batch of actors and actresses who are not yet famous — or are not yet famous enough — to sing odes to the birthday OAP. It's like a Dean Martin celebrity roast with all of those unknown-then / forgotten-now 1970's comedians, except its not funny... well, except in those ironic ways that celebrity singing shows tend to be. Imagine the cast of House putting on a (serious) 2-hour musical ode to Carol Channing... and you can instantly see the underlying mirth it will provoke. (If there aren't any old people having a birthday in The Philippines this week, holding a 2-hour special in honor of new albums or new movies is an acceptable alternative.)

Commercials

By far, you will spend more time watching commercials in The Philippines than any other thing on television. The agony of this does not become apparent until you realize that there are only 20 commercials playing in the country at any given time. The agony still doesn't impress itself upon you until you realize that each commercial break has 20 commercials in it. But then they get back to the show... and Goat Boy is there... and you realize that you really would rather watch that commercial for the liver-cleansing miracle pill, or the laundry detergent that makes clothes a fantastic Photoshopped white, or the conditioner that allows your hair to do karate. Anything but Goat Boy.

(All images in this article, like the shows that they come from, are courtesy of (or the fault of, depending on your point of view) ABS-CBN television in The Philippines.)