Let The Door Hit You In The Ass On Your Way Out

Half of all Republicans in Texas would secede from The United States if given a chance.

So that they could pay less taxes.

I know that Texas has a lot of Texas-sized stoopid inhabiting it's amber waves, and that longhorns actually occupy only the second lowest rung of the IQ ladder there, above certain elected officials... but really? Half?

Have these people pondered for a New York Minute how much creating the Nation of Texas would cost? Forget about the expense of patrolling that Mexican border yourself, or buying your own military, or upkeeping your own highways and infrastructure. You'll also have to form Texas versions of all of the executive cabinet (departments of state, treasury, justice, interior, education) and pay their budgets. Who is going to help out when tornadoes flatten a mile-wide strip of suburban Lubbock? How about paying import duties on pretty much everything except oil, beef, and Shiner Bock? How about absolutely guaranteeing the loss of your Medicare, Social Security, and veterans' benefits? Will you still have access to the national weather service and U.S. air traffic control, or will you be building your own version of those as well? You'll be in charge of regulating your own medications and food and broadcasters and alcohol as well, as you form your own FDA, FCC, and ATF.

Oh... and don't forget: Say goodbye to NASA.

And don't believe for an instant that Exxon-Mobil, Texaco, and Shell (as well as about 50 more of the Fortune 500 companies) are going to stick around and (a) pay for all of this stuff, and (b) give up all of that federal support they're getting from the American government. They'll be in Oklahoma City and Little Rock faster than an armadillo can cross the I-10.

Well, at least all of the jobs that will be lost as all those companies flee your new country can be replaced by the thousands of jobs that your new government will create... with salaries paid for by the taxes that you didn't want to pay.

There is also a benefit for America as well if Texas leaves: The number of rednecks prancing around claiming to be "True American Patriots" will go down by about 57%, and all those ladies with big hair and appliqué shirts will have to go out and get passports if they ever want to visit Branson or Nashville again. We'll get to claim that George Bush really isn't one of us, and we will never have to worry about Tom Delay making a comeback. Also, we will have the bonus of getting to cheer for America each time the Cowboys and Astros lose.

America will lose its claim to be the world capital of masked chainsaw-wielding psychopath movie stars though, which is sad.

Seriously though? I'd love to see this happen. All apologies to my Texan readers out there, but handing over management of the asylum to the crazies is always a good idea if it isn't going to have a negative impact on me personally.